Well friends, gather ‘round the campfire and let me tell you a tale of broken wagons, raging rivers, and a truly heroic effort to keep one measly ox alive. I finally played The Oregon Trail card game, and just like the computer lab days of old, it was beautifully awful in the best possible way…with 8 bit art.

If you’ve ever played the original game on a flickering green screen, you already know what you’re in for. But this card version? Oh, it’s brutal in its own special way, with pixel-art calamities and cruel rolls hiding behind every scenic hill.

We started, like all doomed pioneers, in Independence, Missouri, full of optimism and beef jerky. Our goal was to reach Willamette Valley by laying down a path of trail cards, each one bringing us closer to Oregon—and, ideally, not to the grave. Sounds simple, right? Oh no.

Each round, we took turns playing a trail card that connected to the path ahead. Some were peaceful: You see a deer. Lovely! Others were less so: You ford a river. That’s when the fear starts. Because if you can’t play the right card to complete the challenge, you have to roll the die… and hope your luck is better than mine. Spoiler: it wasn’t. Here are some of the things we encountered.

Let’s talk about the Calamity Cards, which I have decided are sentient and personally offended by my presence. There’s snakebite, which took out poor Paul on turn three. Dehydration wiped my out and of course, dysentery came for my friend Jordan.

I had a Medicine card tucked under my supplies, but oh! It was the wrong kind. I had clean water, not the miracle cure, and so… there lies Meadow. Kindly mark the gravestone.

The best (worst) part? When you die, you get to write your own epitaph. My friends laughed a little too hard as they scribbled, “Here lies Meadow. She packed everything, but the water.”

And the trail kept going. Oxen died. Wheels broke. Everyone blamed each other for not bringing more bullets. In the end, one party member limped into Oregon alone, surviving on sheer spite and a tin of beans. We mourned. We laughed. We agreed immediately to play again. Here are some cards we DIDN’T have…. these sure would have helped.

Just remember, don’t forget the medicine, and maybe don’t let me be the wagon leader next time.

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